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Breaking up with narcissistic perverts is extremely specific. And the big surprise you’re going to see, is that we tend to think of them as unpredictable evil beings, when in reality they are indeed evil beings, but they are extremely predictable. What I’m going to describe to you today, you will experience almost every one of these stages, almost every one of the phrases I’m going to say to you today. And whether you’re on the verge of a breakup, in the middle of one, a little after, months after, or years after, you’ll be surprised at how long it lasts and even when they come back when you really weren’t expecting it.
So the first specific stage is that, yes, unfortunately, there is someone else, whether you are a man or a woman, there is someone else in the equation. You were in first place in what is called their narcissistic supply. Let’s say you’re driving somewhere on the highway. You need gas, you have your favorite gas station. It’s the same thing here, the narcissistic pervert, I don’t know if he’s magical and very good, but the narcissistic pervert comes to you to feed his narcissistic needs.
Someone who will make them look good, someone who will accept their lies, someone who will take care of them—that someone will be you. But because you drive on the highway, because you sometimes travel, you also have other gas stations you can go to. I’ll stop at the comparison, which couldn’t go much further, but we estimate that there could be up to seven other potential candidates. You tell yourself, we’re together, we’re fighting to make it work. I’m giving everything I have to this relationship, but in reality, behind him, there are seven other people who are taking different steps. So what is a step, and when did it start? First, in your romantic relationship with this person—I don’t know if romantic relationship is the right term—but in this relationship with this person, there was first what is called the honeymoon phase, which lasted a few months. During this honeymoon phase, he was focused solely on you.
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And then this honeymoon phase, which probably only lasted a few months, came to an end. After that, he entered a cycle of destruction, putting you down, giving you as little love as possible, making you feel guilty, etc. Let’s say your relationship lasted seven years, so there were three months of honeymoon phase, and during the six-plus years of the relationship, he opened the door to other people. That doesn’t mean he dated other people or even cheated on you, it’s possible. But that’s not necessarily the case. In any case, there are certain people he knows he could go out with if you ever broke up, and he just keeps in touch with them once a month with a message here and there. There may also be a secretary at his work whom he’s slowly flirting with, or maybe even women or men with whom he’s gone a little further, a little more seductive, but he always manages to stay under the radar so that no one notices. He only allowed himself to go further if he was extremely sure that it wouldn’t come out later. So there are different stages, each person in it thinks they’re more or less unique, and in reality, they know that in a snap, the world must. If it ever ends between you, he can go with a few people. If you ever break up in July, he’ll say to himself, I have seven potential options.
It’s funny, it’s a very cold calculation, but that’s how it works. It’s a bit like someone who feels that their job is going badly and that there will be other plans for a way out. It’s the same here, there’s no emotion involved. There’s no feeling in it. He simply has several other avenues already prepared for the day when things go wrong. Secondly, and this is very specific, there is a person who is a narcissistic pervert, and the end of the relationship seems very simple for him. I know what you’re going to say. Yes, but Antoine, someone else in his life isn’t necessarily due to a narcissistic pervert. It’s just that if you add up everything I’m going to tell you today, you’ll have a precise map of a breakup with a person who is a pervert. It would be so rare for all these stages to be present in one person that we can be almost certain that we’re dealing with it. So, second point, the end of the relationship seems very simple for him. Is there any deep soul-searching? No, of course not.
Will he have trouble sleeping? No, not even that. Except in one case. If you happen to come across a very good actor who is capable of crying in front of you, of crying their eyes out, even to the point of vomiting, curling up in a ball, and banging their head on the floor, there are people who are, parenthetically speaking, extremely good at this. To make you believe that they feel things. But whether they show you a lot or show you nothing, you still have this kind of doubt that the other person might not be feeling anything at all. Will he go to a psychologist? The answer is no. Except for the past year, or I’d say a year and a half, 20/6 fathers know that they’re being spotted because of this, because they’re not able to change. So a lot of them will book a session with a psychologist or say they’re going to do some serious therapy. But they go, they drink a coffee during the session, they leave afterwards, and they say to themselves, if I do this, no one will recognize me—they’re seeing a therapist, right? Unless they’re pretending.
Do they read books about breakups, about understanding each other better, about nonviolent communication? The answer is no. Unless, once again, they know they could be caught reading them. So the book will be bought, placed on the bedside table, but not read much. You might ask me, Antoine, why is it so easy for him when I’m going through something so awful in my life? Because, quite simply, remember this image. You are just a source of supply, a source of narcissistic fulfillment. You are an object. If I have a water jug, a water bottle, and tomorrow I lose it, it falls on the floor or breaks. Am I going to cry? Am I going to see a psychologist? Am I going to question myself? No, I’ll just go buy another one or repair it if I can, but it won’t be a big deal in my life.
Consider that in the eyes of these people, you are an object. You can be an object, a service, you can be a bank account, you can be a display of beauty, you can be someone who will love them, who will do anything for them, but you remain just something of the order of an object. There is no huge loss when you leave. The third point, which is very common, is that ultimately, in all these points, we find a kind of common functioning, a common psychological driver. We come to slander. So he will say bad things about you directly, he will say it to your face, he will say it to your face or behind your back or in a message. Everything is your fault. I put everything in capital letters because it’s not that some things are your fault. No, everything is your fault. He, on the other hand, is perfect. She, on the other hand, is a god on earth. She has nothing to blame herself for. He will tell you that he was perfect. You ruined everything. He’ll even tell you, strangely enough, that you’re a narcissistic pervert. Why not muddy the waters in that case? Of course. He’ll tell you that you should be ashamed, and he’ll do everything he can to make you feel ashamed in every area of your life. For example, he’ll tell you, “I’m going to reveal your work.”
What kind of person are you really? Or he’ll talk about it to your friends. Or he’ll say, “I’m going to reveal everything to your family.” Speaking of which, when we talk about slander, it’s usually about other people. And he’s not going to hold back, of course. He’ll say bad things about you behind your back to others. So he tells you to your face, but he’ll also criticize you behind your back. And remember that famous honeymoon phase at the beginning, the first three months, if he cuts the duration to seven years, I think, seven years, just at random. At the end of that honeymoon phase, he’s already started saying bad things about you to others. You were on cloud nine, everything was going well after three months, you were just super happy. He started his work of undermining you with others. For example, he’ll say things to your friends, your family, at your gym, he’ll say things that are tailored to each person depending on the environment.
It won’t be exactly the same phrases. He’ll say, for example, she’s obsessed with her work, not her time at work. Or she drinks. We’re not considering the context. If you’ve had a beer, you’re an alcoholic. If you’ve ever been sad once, you’re a person who is depressed all the time. We always remember the words “always” and “never.” He generalizes and exaggerates to the maximum. She’s violent because one day you got angry at the dishwasher. It wouldn’t close, so you pushed it. That’s it. She’s violent. Or things go badly with her parents on the day when, unfortunately, you said something wrong to your mother or father. And he’ll also tell all these people, “Guess what she did to me. You won’t believe it.” I’ll talk about that in a moment, because playing the victim is also part of the strategy. He’ll say, “I gave everything to save her. I gave my heart and soul to save that person.” I don’t know what will become of me after this relationship. Great actor, by the way. I’ve been through hell, or even worse. He’ll say, “This person did the following to me.” And who could he draw inspiration from to cite things you’ve done?
Things that would be atrocious. Things that would be unimaginable. He’ll just use what he did to you to pin it on you. He stole money from you. He’ll say she stole money from me. He had a violent outburst. He’ll say she had a violent outburst. He just has to reverse who did what. You’d be surprised in couples therapy how much the other person can take on your role and vice versa. And you’re just in a kind of confusion, not knowing what’s going on. Why am I being blamed for what the other person is doing to me? It’s all the more funny for him because it creates a kind of injustice. And remember, injustice is hard to swallow. Someone steals something from you and tells you that you stole it. How are you going to feel about that?
Injustice is what creates wars on earth. Look at every war; they are always created by injustice. It is one of the deepest feelings that triggers rage in human beings. And so the more injustice he creates, the more you’ll have to step into the ring to defend yourself, and the more pleasure it will give him. He’ll even say, “I even went to see a therapist,” even if it’s not true, even if there was only one session of therapy for that. Oh man, you just paid for one session, you didn’t even go. That’s not therapy. The most disturbing thing about this is the fact that these people believe it. You look at him and that’s when you start to have doubts. He looks you in the eye and says, “You stole from me, it’s your fault, you should be ashamed of yourself.”
And the disturbing thing is this impression that the other person really believes it, and in these twisted mindsets—I’m not going to go into too much detail today—but he does have this ability to reconfigure his brain to actually believe it. Logically, at that precise moment, they should leave. They should leave. It’s all your fault, you have only yourself to blame, they are perfect. Do they leave? Of course not. They will make a few early attempts, come back, tell you that you have a chance to make up for it, and then leave again to make you suffer.
And then one day it will really be over, there will be nothing left, it won’t amuse him anymore. He will have found someone else to torture, someone else to torment on a daily basis, and it won’t be you. And then you’ll say to yourself, “That’s it, I’m finally free,” and you’ll be surprised that a few months later, a few years later, you’ll still hear about him. He feels like you’re still madly in love with him, that you’re crazy about this person, and there’s something logical about that. We’re talking about a person who is narcissistic. Narcissists love their own image, so it’s obvious to them that you’ll be madly in love with them for the rest of your life.
